I purposefully remember very little of my childhood. I was a middle sister and have tried to block out many of the memories I’m about to share with you. It was common for me to be in trouble because my sisters would put me in situations that implicated me that they had, in fact, caused. Dad, as a matter of course, would come home drunk. I remember once hiding behind the couch when he came home to a sink full of dirty dishes. My sisters convinced him that it was my turn to wash the dishes (which was untrue), and I was forced to wash both the dirty and clean dishes late into the night.
When I was 12, my dad sexually abused and beat me. My mother was a good woman, however, when I told her about what dad had done, she accused me of lying and told me to never tell her stories like that again.
In middle school, my sisters spread malicious lies about me (troublemaker, bed wetter). Bent on ruining my reputation, I found myself friendless and lonely. I had dropped out of school by the 10th grade and married my first husband to escape my homelife.
My first husband gave me two beautiful children. His drinking, however, changed him into both an abusive husband and father. By the time my youngest daughter had reached two months of age, we were forced to leave, helped by a neighbor to escape his threats. We left in the middle of the night with no child support and only what we could carry.
We ended up at my parents’ home for a time, and then into another abusive marriage and divorce. I even, in desperation, worked under my father at a local mill where he was a supervisor. My kids and I moved out of my parents’ home once again, where the three of us moved in with a man who promised us much. For a third time, the pattern repeated. He came home drunk and beat me, while the kids watched from under the table. Eventually, he dropped the three of us off at my parents’.
My first bright memory happened at this point. I got a job at a video store. There I met Lynn, who prayed with me and took the three of us to church. She was very good to my children and taught them about God. The kids fell in love with Jesus, and all three of us were baptized. I thought I knew God but knew I had not fully given my heart over to Him. The video store was sold, and Lynn moved out of our lives.
Bearing the weight of my broken life, I began to abuse drugs. My kids went to live with their father for a while, then other relatives. One night, while using drugs and drinking in a South Carolina parking lot, I was hit by a car. I woke up in a hospital with my mom and dad crying at my bedside. For the first time I admitted to them I had an addiction problem. I knew at this point, that if I did not make a radical change, that I would either be dead or institutionalized.
I remarried once more to a man who also had three grown children. He is a fair man, who loves his kids and mine, and stabilized my awful pattern of abusive relationships. We have been together for 19 years. Though not a believer, he is supportive of my walk with Christ. We’d tried church together for a while and seemed to get the cold shoulder and never connected.
Then I came to Pinedale. Everyone was SO DIFFERENT! People were nice to me. They were friendly and they welcomed me. I knew in my heart this is where I needed to be. Prayer, worship, Bible studies and friendships are helping me learn and grow. I was baptized and knew this time it was for real! When I came up out of the water, I had a calm feeling and knew I was no longer alone. I rededicated my life to live for Christ who died for me, instead of bouncing around in sinful living. Now for the first time I really am living FOR Christ. I feel so good being part of the family at Pinedale.
My friend Lynn (from the video store) and I have kept in long distance contact for over 25 years. I am so deeply thankful for her initial influence and prayer for me. I have a wonderful Christian therapist and psychiatrist who have helped me talk through my hurts. I have been sober and clean for 20 years now. At times I still question God in some areas. Why would God allow so much to happen to me? Psalm 25 rings true to my story in many ways.
Please pray with me that my husband finds Christ, and that my quiet witness and testimony will draw him out of darkness.