I have been reading Psalms every morning for over three years. I started reflecting in the Psalms a few months after my son, Jack, died. I have stayed in the Psalms because God removed every person and every support I had in my life and replaced them with Him. I am never disappointed during my quiet time with the Lord. I am on a healing journey, a grand adventure. Psalm 50 is a part of my story.

Initially, in my studies, I found the definitions of Selah (to pause, listen, rest, reflect, to contemplate eternity). My Christian Counselor, who directed me into having a dedicated daily morning quiet time, taught me that the Holy Spirit is the best teacher. I listen for the Holy Spirit to unfold truth while I reflect on His Word, to practice selah as I read. Before long, the powerful words of God moved within my heart as I contemplated His Divinity. The “new song” Jesus had given me upon salvation was now leading me into a response, to receive His truth. Often, I will reread a Psalm from the bottom to the top. Psalm 50 will be presented this way.

‍

He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me,

     and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God.

Psalm 50:23

‍

My son, Jack, died four weeks before he was to graduate college. A mother’s dream of her firstborn flying successfully from the nest was almost realized. In just one day, my life completely changed.

My youngest son took Jack’s death the hardest. Just two months after Jack’s death he was admitted to the hospital with pancreatitis from heavy drinking. This would be the start of a three-year journey into the pit of alcohol addiction. This was surely the darkest time of my life, and my first thought wasn’t of thanking God. My world became extremely small and silent, each day suspended in what felt like a thick syrup.

Soon into that grief I knew without a doubt that Jesus was with me. I don’t know how I knew that, but I was aware, in that pause, in that silence, that I was not alone and in that heavy pain my thank offerings were breathed out. I thanked Him for my pillow that was wet with tears. I thanked Him for my bed because I was so exhausted. As I thanked Him for the little things, my thanks grew to the bigger things. I thanked Him for His kindness as He brought loving people into my path. God prompted me to share with a lady in Griefshare about my son’s battle. She had intimate knowledge; her father was a recovered alcoholic and founder of the first rehab my son would attend.

“When God takes someone from us, it is always for a good reason. When the sheep have grazed and thinned the grass in the lower regions, the shepherd will take a little lamb in his arms, carry it up the mountain where the grass is green, lay it down, and soon the other sheep will follow. Every now and then our Lord takes a lamb from the parched field of a family up to those Heavenly Green Pastures, that the rest of the family may keep their eyes on their true home and follow through.”             —Archbishop Fulton Sheen

Our family was parched — bone dry. An unequally yoked marriage left the relationship and family unsupported. My years of leading the family spiritually were slipping and both sons were moving farther away from the Lord. I was becoming angry and bitter over the many disappointments. Our family had one foot in the church yard and another on the street corner. We were drowning without a life preserver.

‍

Consider this, you who forget God

     or I will tear you to pieces, with none to rescue:

he who sacrifices thank offerings honors me,

     and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God.”

Psalm 50:22-23

‍

But to the wicked, God says:

     “What right have you to recite my laws

          or take my covenant on your lips?

     You hate instruction

          and cast my words behind you.

     When you see a thief, you join with him;

          you throw in your lot with adulterers.

     You use your mouth for evil

          and harness your tongue to deceit.

     You speak continually against your brother

          and slander your own mother’s son.

     These things I kept silent;

          you thought I was altogether like you.

     But I will rebuke you

          and accuse you to your face.”

Psalm 50:16-21

‍

My son seemed so frail, lost and terrified as he was admitted to the rehab. When I got home, I fell apart. I sat in my living room and looked up and cried out, “Where is this abundant life You talk about?!!” In that moment of crying out to God over the state of my life, I was so confused. I had been a Christian for over 20 years. I attended church, Bible studies and retreats. I had been in ministry and tithed consistently. I raised my sons in church and volunteered for everything church-related. Why was this happening to me?! (see Psalm 50:4-15)

‍

Our God comes

     and will not be silent;

a fire devours before Him,

     and around Him a tempest rages.

Psalm 50:3

‍

I had called out to God in my anguish; I needed Him to help me. I had nowhere else to turn. “Where is this abundant life?!”

‍

From Zion, perfect in beauty,

     God shines forth.

Psalm 50:2

‍

Precious Jesus is the abundant life but how is this life accessed? I knew the answer was in the Bible, and each morning before my day starts, I reflect in the Psalms. I read, I pause, and I listen for Jesus, He leads me to receive His truth. I respond with confession, worship and prayer. This is abundant life — His presence.

‍

The Mighty One, God, the LORD,

     speaks and summons the earth

     from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets.

Psalm 50:1

‍

At the time of this writing, my son has been sober for seven months. He is enrolled in college and shares the testimony Jesus gave him every chance he gets. On my birthday which landed on Mother’s Day, my son was baptized! Thank you Jesus!