My story is about endurance, understanding, forgiveness and inner healing. When you feel as if your whole world is caving in and you just can’t carry the burden anymore. That is where I was at in the very early morning hour when I stood at the edge of the lake contemplating … just walk into the deep dark water. The pain would be over — no more suffering. But love stopped me. Love for my mom, love for my son and love for my cat — WHO WOULD TAKE CARE OF MY CAT! (OK to laugh here!) My cat was my closest friend!
My parents divorced when I was just six years of age. My father left, so it was just mom and me. My mother did housework and worked in a factory to keep us alive. She didn’t own a car, so we walked or rode the bus. We lived in one room — all we could afford. Entertainment for us was to eat out and go to a movie. We didn’t have a TV. But I never felt poor or underprivileged. My mom’s love was sufficient. She made sure we attended the local Episcopal church as often as possible, so I’ve always had a reverence for the Lord.
I was pretty much a loner and rode my bike a lot. When I hit my early teens, a group of rebellious teen girls compelled me to join their group. I started to change — but not for the better. About six months in, one of the girls, Madeline, met me as I walked home from school and accused me of talking behind her back. She backhanded me across my face! Though I couldn’t say it at the time, my response now is “Praise God! Thank you Jesus!”
Psalm 97:10 says, “Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.” From that day on, I never hung out with those girls again. It was my first painful lesson from God’s faithful hand of correction!
Fast forward a couple of years. I married very young, too young and still a teen. I married into poverty and oppression, but life was going to be great, right?! We loved each other! Total naivety! I had very little male influence growing up. So, to be a good wife, I basically thought “please your husband” and all will be well. That fantasy was short-lived. I had no idea how damaged my husband was. He had grown up an abused child, with deep wounds that had never healed. He was angry and possessive of me. When our son was born, he was jealous of him. He kept me isolated from my family and friends. I felt so helpless and alone. I cried and prayed a lot. My mom kept telling me to go to church when my son was about seven. I asked him if he knew the meaning of Christmas. He didn’t, so we started attending the Episcopal church — as Isaiah 11:6 proclaimed, “and a little child will lead them.” Soon after, we became involved with several non-denominational Christian churches. We all three accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior and were each baptized. I wish I could tell you that my husband was set free from his anger and internal pain, but he just couldn’t release it to Jesus. People in church loved him. They never saw the angry, unhealed inner child he was at home.
After 40+ years of marriage (for worse, poorer and in sickness) he became disabled and had to quit work. I took on the role of full-time caregiver. The only escape I had was to walk the streets late at night in the dark, crying and praying after he went to sleep. And that is how I ended up at the edge of the lake.
I know that when my husband took his last breath he was in the presence of Jesus. And I can hear Jesus saying to him, “WHY, WHY didn’t you give me your pain, your hurting childhood, your nearsighted plans? You had so much to offer. You could have done so much more! I would have exchanged all your pain with joy and peace. You studied my Word. You even taught in the pulpit. You led souls to me. My Word says, ‘Cast your cares on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.’ (Psalm 55:22) ‘Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart — and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ (Matthew 11:28-30) I longed to set you free from your yoke of bondage, but I can only go in the places you invite me into!”
We tie the hands of God in many ways when we hold onto our “old junk.” We make excuses and huge messes when we have one foot in the world and attempt to keep the other in Christ. Looking back, I’ve learned through each of these tough and seemingly impossible seasons, some very clear truths as the Lord has bound up my wounds: