Psalm 56 begins by telling us David’s thoughts and feelings of being targeted, attacked and pursued endlessly by his enemies. He pleaded with God for mercy and asked for God’s compassion in his time of great distress (Psalm 56:1-2).
There was a time in my early adult life when I, too, felt endlessly pursued by my enemy in the form of memories, shame and traumas. Those shadowy assailants haunted me day in and day out, snuffing out the life and future in front of me. My past was marred by unresolved neglect and abuse from my growing-up years, and a failed first marriage where my ex-husband had walked out when our baby was only four months old. This resulted in becoming a divorcee at age 23. I had such dangerously low self-esteem after my divorce that I chose to marry a man who was a felon with past drug history. Domestic violence ensued after his illicit drug use re-started. My young life was in shambles, and I was lost in darkness.
I remember truly breaking down one day in a life-changing “ugly cry,” face down in the carpet of my house’s spare bedroom, asking for God to shine the light of His compassion on me, like David.
We read in verses 3 and 4 that David had learned to “put his trust in God,” which comforted his fear. But how does one learn how to do that, exactly? It’s one thing to say or read it, but how is that secure connection formed with our invisible God, and how is it truly able to be drawn upon for comfort in our times of greatest distress?
On my floor that day, that process truly began for me. The moment I confronted God and asked Him about my 15-year-old wound with a broken and humbled heart, He met me on the floor. I wanted and needed to understand His heart. And covered in tears and snot, I felt as though He lovingly reached down and lifted my head.
When I asked God through His Spirit “Why did you allow that, God?” His Spirit — who had a record and memory of the event far greater than mine — explained. “Sweet child, that was never my will for you … I never once wanted that in your life. They were wrong in their actions, sinful. They were not following my leadership and will for their lives. I was right there next to you … I sat weeping with you, my Spirit wrapped around your small frame, though you never knew. I was always with you and for you, my child.”
Like David’s declaration in verse 9, “When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back, this I know because God is for me …” suddenly the power that early wound had in my heart was broken. I realized in the core of my being for the first time, covered in tears, that my Father in Heaven had always been — and would always be — FOR ME. The deep-rooted weeds of shame were severed, and a seed of healing was sown inside me that day.
Because of my personal approach to God in my most tender moment, He opened the eyes of my understanding to truly know and believe that He accepted me, had my best interests at heart and had never left me. What then, could a person who had hurt me in my past, do to me? Nothing. (Psalm 56:10)
That event marked the beginning of my profound healing journey with God. I was not the neglected, abused, disgraceful person I had always believed; that day, my feet were delivered from stumbling, to begin a new walk with God, one where I no longer walked seemingly alone in the darkness of self-hatred, identity issues, depression and shame. I was free to walk “before God in the light of life.”
I started having genuine interactions with God through the Holy Spirit with practical and regular habits like journaling my thoughts and concerns to Him, praying aloud in conversation with Him, reading His Word and meditating on it, asking Him to meet my needs and truly believing He would, attending church and support groups weekly, and denying my flesh in my difficulties to slowly become more like Jesus. Just like any earthly relationship, I started putting in regular effort and energy to build my connection with and understanding of God, and to my delight, He always wanted to spend time with me, too! God was the first “being” I truly learned to trust, and He sent me an incredible discipleship counselor who became the first human I ever learned to trust.
My testimony didn’t achieve complete restoration that essential day in my spare bedroom, but my path forward did. Step after grueling step, for the years of healing and recovery to come, I walked more and more into the light of true life with God. God’s grace allowed me to heal and grow deeply during that marriage, which ended when my second husband died from overdose and I became a widow at age 26. God’s grace also allowed for him to accept Christ as His personal Savior before he passed away. My daughter and I were set free to live the lives God had in store for us all along!
From my greatest heartache came my highest calling: God used my experiences to call me into local ministry when I established a 501c3 non-profit that holistically supports others who have been through similar traumas. I get to stand back and praise God for turning my ashes to beauty and tell others about it frequently. God also sent me a wonderful husband who now serves alongside me in our growing family and non-profit.
Half a decade later, after several years of the ups and downs of difficult inner healing, my life has been restored. I am more blessed than I ever could have imagined in my “previous life,” and I know the heart of the Father in a way I never would have dreamed He would reveal Himself to me. I continue to face obstacles in life, relationships and identity at times, but I now know who is with me and for me as I travel up the mountain forward, expectantly calling upon Him in my weakness, and that has changed everything.
A life of ease is not what believers should pursue, but rather our Father God who infinitely knows, loves and pursues us. When we build a secure connection with (and trust in) God, we allow ourselves to worship through any circumstance with thanksgiving and praise (Psalm 56:12) which transforms our earthly lives. Our God always uses our tears in His bottle to water the life of our future.